"Courage allows those that fail to try again." ~Arthur Tugman
I've always been a social person. As far back as I can remember and, according to my mom, even further back. When I was a child I had lots of friends and the only time I got in trouble at school was because I spent too much time helping my friends finish their work instead of doing my own :) I talked to everyone, passersby on the street, teachers, classmates, my parents, my siblings, anyone and everyone about any and many random things. And as I grew older I always had a large circle of friends and kept my evenings and weekends filled with meetings, clubs and social things. Whether it was sleepovers in elementary school, church groups and school clubs through high school or work, dancing and volunteering in university, I managed to keep myself busy. It wasn't until recently that I discovered the true worth of spending time alone.
Alone. It's a scary word. Being ALONE...truly alone. No distractions from myself. No one else to pay attention to. It's the only time that I can really think. Think about things that I don't want to admit to myself, or things that I don't know how to solve, questions that I can't answer, decisions that I'd rather not have to make.
But the truth is that to avoid the questions that scare me most is to avoid growing. To stop moving forward and spin on one spot. And the one thing I can't do is sit still. Literally and metaphorically. I can't sit in the same spot, doing the same thing over and over. I crave change even though (as I explained yesterday) I am also a bit scared of change. The problem is I get bored if I'm not being challenged so change is necessary. And sometimes I start to feel antsy. I can keep the feeling at bay for a while by doing things that break up my everyday routine. A vacation, an interesting course, a new project, something that I can look forward to, something to keep me occupied and distract me from the mundane.
Today is different. Today those things won't work. These decisions need to be made soon and in fact I'm looking forward to deciding. Once I make up my mind I don't usually change it. (I'm pretty stubborn). I guess that's why it takes me a bit of time to decide...and why I worry that if I'm left alone today I may have to make a change that I'm not ready for.
So I sit here alone. And I pray for courage. I have made my decision, the rest is out of my hands.
"God, grant us the serenity to accept things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference." ~Reinhold Niebuhr